


I'm Still Standing

by DreamDragon31



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Depressed Steve Rogers, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame Fix-It, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, No Romance, PTSD, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-03-07 02:07:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18863566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamDragon31/pseuds/DreamDragon31
Summary: In the aftermath of Thanos's defeat, Steve is struggling to deal with it all. The losses, the gains, the aftermath. There's still tasks to be done, still missions to complete. But he's tired, tired of it all. Can he finally practice what he preached? Can he finally move forward?A fix-it fic for Endgame that corrects some of the worst aspects of the ending.





	1. Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> So like so many of you I have issues with aspects of the ending and of course dealing with the contradicting theories from the creators. I actually have many more different ideas over all it could have ended that I want to write but this one was the first one I came up with and really the simplest. This is my way of dealing with it and fixing my biggest problem with the end of Steve's character arc. Isn't it interesting how adjusting the smallest of details can solve so many of the stupid plot holes and confusion caused by Steve's ending?
> 
> Anyway, this is my attempt to delve into mostly Steve's mindset at the end of Endgame and create a better ending for him. Be warned, the first chapter deals major characters' deaths and a lot of heavy emotion. I also don't really write romance, so there will be no pairings in this story.
> 
> I have planned at least five chapters for this one and I'll try to get them up as quickly as I can.
> 
> Also, tags might change and I don't love the title.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

It was over. Finally over. Thanos was dead, dusted just like he had done to so many of his friends. But there had been a price.

Steve watched, tears rolling down his dirty, bloodied cheeks as he stood next to Thor and watched Pepper bend over and sob. Rhodes held Queens tightly beside her while the kid cried uncontrollably. 

Tony Stark was dead. 

It wasn’t real. It didn’t seem real. But it was. His friend was gone, and just when it seemed like they were finally moving past Bucky and the Civil War.

Bucky. Steve looked around frantically, searching for Bucky and Sam. He knew Sam had returned, had seen T’Challa, Shuri, and so many others. He had glimpsed Bucky coming out of a portal with the walking, talking tree but it was a call to arms at the time and he had only fleetingly felt the moment of relief at seeing his best friend alive after watching him turn to dust and not being able to do anything about it. During the actual battle, he had only gotten glimpses of his lifelong best friend during the chaos.

After scanning dirty, bloody faces for several minutes, he finally spotted Bucky, standing off to the side behind Sam, looking down at the ground, hiding behind his dark hair. He knew from long conversations in Wakanda years ago (God, was it really years?!) that Bucky had been desperate to make amends with Tony, had wanted to apologize for everything and now he would never get that face to face closure.

God, Tony was gone.

It wasn’t real.

For a field they had just won in victory, it was deadly silent. Everyone was looking on in shock and Steve was struck by just how many people had known Tony or had fought with him through this whole long ordeal with Thanos. All these heroes and yet no one moved. No one stirred for several long minutes as Tony’s sacrifice began to sink in. Beside him, Thor sniffled and swallowed down his own sobs.

After a long while, Rhodes finally passed the kid to Strange as Bruce quietly approached from behind them. The two shared a silent look and Bruce knelt on Tony’s other side. With gentle fingers, he closed the inventor’s eyes for the final time and bowed his head for a minute. That seemed to snap something in Steve and Thor and the pair moved forward to help. Steve knelt beside Pepper and gently urged her up.

“Come on, Pepper,” he whispered. “Let’s get him off the field.”

She turned wet, blue eyes to him and stared at him for a moment before finally nodding and standing. Steve looked at Thor, Bruce, and Rhodes. They came to a silent agreement, arranged themselves with two on each side and slowly lifted Tony’s body. The four Avengers lifted him as high as they could so he was even among four men of very different heights and began to make their way off the burning field. Steve caught sight of Sam and exchanged brief nods before flicking his eyes to the silent form behind the other man. Sam glanced back and nodded. Sam would watch out for Bucky.

They passed sorcerers, Wakandan warriors. All silent, all with bowed heads.

A shout suddenly rang out. T’Challa called out another chant and the Dora Milaje echoed it back. Strange followed the men with Pepper and Queens, Clint appearing out of nowhere right behind them. Behind them, T’Challa led Shuri who he had an arm around. Sam, Bucky, Scott, the Guardians, Wanda and so many of the other heroes followed close behind, making for a very large, grieving procession. Steve didn’t even know who all of them were. He only knew names from the stories everyone told him throughout the last five years. The field emptying as everyone followed their fallen comrade to…Steve felt a wave of panic. The buildings had been completely destroyed by Thanos’s initial attack and a crater now existed where the Avengers facility had once stood. Where would they lay Tony?

“Where are we going to put him?” he whispered frantically.

Bruce faltered in his step as he realized the same dilemma Steve had. 

It was Rhodes who came up with the solution. “The quinjet hanger. To the back of it. I think that was still relatively intact. We can lay him there,” he spoke soft, voice breaking at the idea of his own longtime best friend not getting up. “Regroup. Figure out the next step.”

Steve, Thor, and Bruce agreed and lead the incredibly large procession through the wrecked Avengers grounds to the half destroyed quinjet hangar. It was slow going, but T’Challa’s warriors continued to echo what Steve could only imagine was a tribute chant the whole way. 

Half of the hangar was decimated, liked most of the grounds, but at the back, a portion of the structure still held miraculously and the group found a long table set up for…Steve couldn’t really remember anymore right now. Everything was starting to go numb and he was starting to move and think on autopilot.

Clint came around the group and cleared the table of debris, making sure it was still stable before reaching to help them. Then, with a gentleness that belied the five men’s strength, they laid Tony across the table. Steve made sure to fold his hands over his chest and the no longer burning light of the arc reactor. Bruce and Thor straightened his legs. Rhodes cradled his head tenderly, laying it on the table with all the care of a father with a newborn. Then, the five Avengers stepped back to stand with Strange, Sam, Bucky, and T’Challa. Steve removed his cowl, wincing as the end rubbed against a cut on his cheek, and they bowed their heads as Pepper and Queens stood next to the table, holding each other in their grief. The Dora Milaje’s chant echoed through the hangar, across the field.

 

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Steve had no idea how long they stood there, silent, paying their respects to the man who had sacrificed everything for them, but eventually, the Dora Milaje and sorcerers started making their way to the battlefield to find their own fallen comrades and help the injured. Pepper gently led the kid away from the table out the back of the hangar toward the treeline that framed the hanger. Strange stepped up to Rhodes and the two moved off to the side, talking quietly. Steve clasped a hand to Thor’s shoulder before turning to survey the group remaining behind him and immediately wrapped his arms around the first body standing only a couple of steps behind him.

Bucky. Bucky who always had his back. Who had been through hell and back and was beginning to build a life for himself. With goats. Bucky. His best friend. His brother. 

“Hi, Steve,” the former Winter Soldier muttered in his ear.

“Hi, Buck,” Steve whispered back. He could smell the blood, the dirt, and the sweat off of Bucky, but he didn’t care. He had watched this man join an intergalactic war for him when after everything he had been through, he deserved to rest, but instead got dusted for no absolute reason right in front of him. Damnit, Steve was going to hug him for as long as he wanted. Luckily, Bucky seemed to be thinking the same thing. His hands gripped the back of Steve’s bloody uniform tightly and pressed his face against his shoulder. A shudder ran through both their bodies and Steve closed his eyes against the fresh wave of tears.

After a couple of minutes, Steve took a deep breath and forced himself to take a step back. He left both hands on Bucky’s shoulder and searched his body for any injuries or wounds. The other man had a gash on his left temple, his hair looked lank and dirty, clumped together from sweat and blood, and a bruise blooming on his cheek. Steve noted a tear in the Wakandan jacket and made a mental note to make sure Bucky got checked over. He had a habit dating back to World War II of hiding serious wounds with his clothes. He vaguely registered that Bucky was cataloging his wounds in the same manner. Avoiding in mention of his own wounds, Steve gave a squeeze to Bucky’s shoulders and turned to the man standing beside him. He reached out and pulled Sam into his own tight hug.

They patted each other’s back roughly before stepping back and Steve found himself staring at his two best friends. They were back. They were really here. They were really alive.

“So, five years, huh?” Sam said, looking up and down at Steve. “Must have been a hell of a five years.”

Steve snorted a laugh that came out more like a sob. “Yeah, Sam. Yeah, you could say that.”

Bucky sighed and ran a hand through his tangled, dark hair. “Jesus, Steve. What the hell happened?”

Steve just sighed tiredly. “So much, Buck. Too much. I’ll have to fill you in later.” He rubbed a tired hand over his face. “Are you okay? Are you both okay?”

“We’re fine, Cap,” Sam responded warily. “A little confused, but fine.”

Steve nodded absently as he scanned the faces left in the remains of the hangar. “Did everyone come back? Is everyone okay?” 

He knew Queens was okay, Sam, Bucky. He spotted Wanda standing next to Okoye and T’Challa. The two men exchanged nods and Wanda offered him a sad smile. He spotted Scott hugging a dark-haired woman, looking like the little kid he always seemed to remind Steve of and further back Rocket was talking in his own animated way with the moving and talking tree. A large purple man stood with a woman with antennas next to them. 

“I think so. It’s been a blur though and I’m not sure I understand what happened,” Sam said, following his gaze. “Last I remember is fighting aliens in Africa. Next thing I know, I woke up in Wakanda on the field, tried to find you, Rhodes, Nat. Found the scary goat herder instead. T’Challa found us at the same time and rounded all of us up, tried to figure out what the hell was going on. It was so quiet and there were no aliens anywhere. It was like nothing had ever happened there. Anyway, that fine lady general of T’Challa’s came down, looking shocked and confused. Next thing we know a portal opened and some wizard came through. Told us it had been 5 years but the battle wasn’t over yet. That you needed us and then a whole bunch of other wizards showed up, started doing some kind of weird hand movement, and got us here.” He paused, brow furrowing. “I can’t believe I just said all that.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and ignored him, eyes scanning his lifelong best friend again. “What about you, Steve? Are you okay?”

Steve could only shrug. He honestly didn’t know how he was feeling right now. He knew he had a nasty gash on his left arm and blood was dripping down his face. He could feel blood everywhere on his body but he had no idea where it was all coming from. He had at least three broken ribs and the slice on his right thigh from Thanos’s sword made his pants wet and sticky. But really, he wasn’t feeling any pain. At least, not yet. “I’m fine. We need to take count. Who’s hurt? Who needs help? The whole facility was destroyed. We need to figure out where we’re going to put everyone. Jesus, everyone’s back. We need to start getting names, getting people reunited with families. Find out what the government wants to do. We need…”

“Woah. Steve, Stop,” Sam commanded, reaching over and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Slow down. You need to take a moment and just breathe.”

Steve swayed a little, but did as Sam instructed and took a deep breath, allowing his head to clear a little.

“Still with us?” Sam’s gaze was calm but concerned.

Steve nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. I’m good.” Bucky snorted in derision, but otherwise, remained silent. Steve looked at his two best friends again. “I’ve missed you both so much.”

“We’re here now, pal,” Bucky said, softly. “Confused as fuck, but we’re here.”

“We’re all here, Captain,” T’Challa pronounced, coming up behind the trio. Okoye followed, looking battered but happier than Steve had seen in a long, long while.

Steve grinned and pulled the Wakandan king in for a hug, surprising the other man. “It’s good to see you.”

“I guess now, we should be thanking you instead of the other way around,” T’Challa commented, patting his back reassuringly.

Steve choked out something that sounded like a half sob, half laugh. “Bruce was the one that was able to snap and get you back and Tony was the one…” he trailed off as grief closed his throat. He swallowed hard before continuing. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You fought, Captain,” the Wakandan king reminded him, gently. “We came through and you were standing on your own against Thanos and his army. Do not diminish your victory in the wake of events. You deserve your praise as well.”

T’Challa’s eyes were kind and gentle, full of an understanding that Steve himself wasn’t even sure he could comprehend at the moment. So, he nodded and took another steadying breath. “What about you? Everyone on your end okay? Shuri? Your mother? Your warriors?”

“A few casualties. Something that cannot be avoided in war as you know. But for the most part we are intact. M’Baku is assisting finding the injured and Shuri is handling triage with Banner and Strange.”

Steve nodded. “Good. That’s good.”

Okoye stepped up behind her king and said softly, “Perhaps you should be looked at as well, Captain.”

Steve refocused his gaze on her, remembering the strength, support, and leadership she had exhibited after the snap. Suddenly finding herself in charge of Wakanda after the entire royal family had vanished had not been easy. Still, she had organized the remaining warriors on the field, created an alliance with M’Baku and his tribe, and had somehow managed to keep Wakanda from falling into same chaos the rest of the world had descended into. In addition to that, Okoye assisted the Avengers in trying their best to give the world order and functioning after Thanos was first killed. Natasha had always told him how much of a calm, level-headed leader she was. Steve would always have the utmost respect for the Wakanda General.

“I’m fine. Really,” he repeated, avoiding the looks from all four. He wiped a hand across his face, smearing the blood that was dripping into his eyes.

None of the little group around him looked like they believed him, but Steve moved past them to avoid any more inquiries into his own health and headed out of the hangar. There was so much to do, he couldn’t stand around being coddled.

 

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Exhaustion beyond anything he had ever felt before crept up on Steve as he instructed another of the Dora Milaje to move an injured N’Jabari warrior inside the hangar where Shuri, God bless her genius, had had the Asgardians, Bucky, Sam, Bruce, and many others move the remains of the quinjets out to make room for a field hospital. Several large tarps sectioned off the hangar into smaller areas and formed a temporary wall to protect against the elements. The table where Tony lay in state was also sectioned off out of respect, but Shuri had able to create a surprising amount of space to treat the wounded.

There actually weren’t many injured thanks to the efforts of Strange’s fellow sorcerers and their protection spells and shields during the battle. They had been lucky. Those that weren’t seriously injured or not injured at all had joined T’Challa in the task of searching the battlefield and helping move their fellow fighters or were assisting Hope, and Valkyrie in the monumental task of taking down names of those that had returned from being snapped. 

Now that the battle was over, everyone was trying to figure out exactly what the next step involved. The decimation of the original snap had happened in an instance and those that had died had had barely anytime to register what was happening to them. Now that they were back, mass confusion had ensued. Many had already asked Steve if five years had truly passed and had been overcome in shock when he replied in the affirmative. It was a heady thing to suddenly find out you had died and it was five years later. Steve knew the feeling well.

It was going to be chaos for a while until the snapped and those that had survived were reunited and everything sorted out. Steve didn’t even want to think about the issue of governments. 

Despite of all that, Steve watched from a pile of debris and rubble with a small measure of relief as people were finally reunited. He didn’t think he had ever seen Rocket so happy as he embraced Groot and even the other members of his family, the large guy, the girl with antennas on her head, and a distinctly human guy who kept looking around as if searching for somebody. Bucky had hugged Shuri tightly who had cried “White Wolf!” when he had appeared in her eyesight. Rhodes had done the same with Sam and had exchanged quiet words. It had taken Hope everything she had to finally escape Scott’s arms as he kept reaching for her every time she was near him. It was bittersweet, seeing everybody.

Steve was so lost in thought watching the reunions, he missed Wanda approaching him until she was only steps in front of him.

He gave her a small, tired smile. “Hey, kid,” he whispered, opening his arms. She stepped into them quickly.

“Hey, Cap,” she whispered back, pressing her face into his chest.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t bring him back.”

Wanda pulled away and wiped a tear away. “I’m sorry, too. I tried. I really did.”

“I know, kid. I know.”

They went silent, taking comfort in each other’s presence when Wanda looked around. “Steve, where’s Nat? I didn’t see her on the field and I can’t find her anywhere.”

Steve’s head swam as he remembered that he had lost two friends in this battle, not just one. Tears came unbidden to his eyes. Wanda stepped out of his arms and looked at him for a second, obviously feeling the sudden change in his emotions and her expression crumbled.

“How?” she whispered.

“She sacrificed herself for me, for my family, for us,” Clint responded, climbing up on the debris to join them. His voice was hoarse with grief.

Wanda hugged Clint tightly. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered against her shoulder, eyes shut tightly. “I’m so, so sorry.”

After a moment, Wanda asked softly, “Your family?” 

Clint cleared his throat, stepped back, and wiped a hand across his face. “Okay. I think anyway. Laura called right before Thanos struck, but I heard her voice.” He looked at Steve, eyes widening as the realization struck. “I heard her voice.”

Steve gave him a small smile and squeezed his shoulder. “We’ll get you home soon, Clint. I promise.”

As if Steve’s words reminded them of the absolute destruction around them, the trio gazed around at the people milling around, sifting through the huge piles of rock and rubble of the destroyed Avengers compound, and calling out to search for missing or wounded warriors. 

Wanda squared her shoulders, looking older but steadier than he had ever seen her. “What do we need to do?”

Steve rubbed the back of his head. “I think the Dora Milaje and N’Jabari have just about got all the injured moved and the dead lined up. I imagine that T’Challa will be sending many home to Wakanda to help start sorting everything out there.” He paused, thinking. “We need to figure out shelter for everyone and food for tonight at least. Most of what we had in the compound was destroyed obviously.”

Clint nodded. “I think Thor and Valkyrie were instructing some of his Asgardians to find food and water. I’m almost certain I saw a portal open and some of them going in and out bringing crates and stuff with them.”

“Okay, good,” Steve said. He had missed that in undertaking his own tasks. “We still need to start setting up a shelter. We’re not going to get everyone home tonight.”

Wanda put a hand on his forearm and squeezed comfortingly. “Leave it to us, Cap. I have an idea. It won’t be pretty and it might be familiar, but it will work for the night at least.”

Steve placed his hand over hers and squeezed her hand. “Take whoever you need. Our temporary hospital should be just about finished, so I know Bucky, Sam, and Bruce will be available soon.”

This time, Clint snorted, reading his friend accurately. “Now, Cap, you wouldn’t be trying to send your two besties off, would you? I would have thought they would have been glued to your side or vice versa, now that you have them back.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Barton. I would never avoid Sam and Bucky when they’re trying to derail me from helping when I’m perfectly fine. Where would you get such an idea? I just love being coddled,” Steve quipped sarcastically with a hint of teasing to his voice. God, did it feel good to do that. Then, the grief hit him again the second that thought came into his head. 

Wanda thankfully seemed to sense his shifting moods and diverted Clint’s attention to the upcoming task. “Come on, Clint. Let’s go round up some help.” She pushed the older man in front of her but turned back to Steve. “Steve, I’ll occupy the mother hens, but promise you’ll get yourself looked at, okay?”

The blonde gave her a warm smile in gratitude and nodded. “I’ll be fine, Wanda. Thank you.”

Steve watched them go with a slight smile. Clint had always looked after Wanda like a little sister after Sokovia and he knew her loss had been just as painful as losing his own family. Personally, he hoped Clint would help her grieve Vision the way he had for Pietro. Maybe Laura could talk to her. Distantly, as he began walking across the crater the compound had become, he started to plan how to sneak Wanda past the government for some time at Clint’s farm. After a moment, he came up short as his thoughts caught up to him.

He wouldn’t have to sneak Wanda anywhere. The new American government had pardoned them all after the Snap. They had been desperate, had needed the Avengers to help maintain order. It hadn’t been easy, of course. Having Thaddeus Ross be among the snapped had taken out some of opposition, but it had still taken some convincing from Everett Ross of all people after a week of looting, suicides, and general chaos to get the remaining government officials to agree to pardon them all, including the deceased Steve and Rhodes had argued adamantly had died fighting for everyone’s survival at the cost of their lives even when their own government didn’t want them, in exchange for the services of the remaining Avengers. In striking the deal, Steve had even gotten Bucky pardoned for his crimes as the Winter Soldier. 

He needed to remember to tell Bucky. He could finally stop running, hiding, though he had been happy in Wakanda. It would finally be his choice if he wanted to return there.

Something finally opened up in Steve’s chest at that thought. The idea that despite the hell of the last five years and the inevitable power struggle as the snapped people in power came back to find themselves no longer in power, he and his friends could finally choose for themselves what they wanted to do, where they wanted to go was…freeing. Sam, Bucky, Wanda, they were no longer fugitives. They could come home.

“Alright, Captain,” a girlish voice came behind him. “All the injured have been attended to and are resting. Except for _you_.” 

He jumped and turned to look at Shuri. The young Wakadan princess was disheveled, her face paint smeared, but she was looking at him sternly. “And don’t even try that ‘I’m fine’ crap. Your White Wolf friend already tried that and it only made it longer before I let him back up to help. Honestly, you would think by now he would know better.”

She gave an exasperated sigh and shook her head, but her expression was affectionate. Steve knew the princess and Bucky had become friends as she helped him in his recovery and he was thrilled there was someone else who didn’t fall for Bucky’s inclination to avoid mentioning his wounds. The only problem it meant she didn’t fall for his either. So, no longer having the strength to argue, he nodded.

“Alright, Shuri,” he acquiesced to her surprise. “Lead the way.”

She graced him with a satisfied smile and lead him across the now empty battlefield back toward the hanger. Steve paused and turned, taking one last look at the huge crater where the Avengers compound had once stood. The main building was completely gone as well as another smaller building that had once held their training facilities. The water from the lake had tried to flood the field before Strange stopped it. The water now fell like a waterfall into a wizard-created mini-lake. Thanos’s destroyed spaceship smoked in the darkening skyline in the middle of the lake. Acres of once beautiful land, completely destroyed.

“Captain Rogers?”

Steve took a deep breath before turning back around and following Shuri into the hanger. Around the hanger in the setting sunlight, Avengers, wizards, N’Jabari, and Dora Milaje were starting fires and gathering around them. Steve watched groups mixing and laughing over tales of the battle and remembering the fallen. A sense of deja vu flooded through him as he remembered soldiers from different countries doing the same exact thing after battles in World War II. For a split second, he could almost hear Dum Dum Dugan telling a dirty joke and Bucky, Morita, Dernier, Falsworth, and Jones roaring with laughter. It brought a soft smile to his face. It was good to see some things never changed, most especially the effortlessness of human companionship.

Shuri led him to the triage area they had set up with a table and medical supplies were spread out, ready to treat. Beyond the little area, lines of warriors, wizards, and others lay, sleeping or unconscious. Shuri all but pushed him to the table. “Sit. And take off that dirty uniform.”

Steve obeyed, not wanting to cross the young genius. He winced and tried to suppress the groan as he moved to unbuckle the top. Every movement had become agony. The thick red, white, and blue top clung to his sweaty skin, hissing as the fabric pulled at dried blood around some of his wounds. He couldn’t stop the gasp and groan that escaped his mouth as he lifted his arms to tug it off. Pain shot from his ribs through his body as he pulled it off and he dropped the top on the floor. 

“Captain?” Shuri sounded concerned as she turned and studied him. “I need you to be honest with me as we do this, okay?”

Steve panted for a few seconds before nodding. “Of course.”

This time, she rolled her eyes. “You and White Wolf really are cut from the same cloth, aren’t you?” She carried a tray of bowls of water, bandages, and other materials over to him, placing it on another table that had been pulled close. After a moment, she stood in front of him and forced his eyes to meet her own. “Captain, I’m serious. We need you right now. We need your leadership, especially with Stark gone. I mean, we’re all still a little lost, even T’Challa. We need your strength. So, I need to know every injury, every hurt.”

He sighed. “I’ll be fine really. The serum will kick in soon and I should heal relatively quickly.”

This time, she snorted and reached for a cloth and began cleaning at the large gash in his left arm. “Yep, just like Bucky and T’Challa. Tell me, Captain, when Bucky shot you as the Winter Soldier four times, how long precisely did it take you to heal in that hospital?”

She looked up at his face, a knowing eyebrow raised. He frowned. “He told you about that, huh? He remembers that day?”

“You know he remembers it all. That’s not the question.”

Steve conceded. “Fine. I was in the hospital for almost four days, but by day three, I was mostly healed and ready to get out.” 

Shuri rolled her eyes. “The serum makes you strong, Captain. Not invincible. You may heal quicker but you still need time to heal.” She pressed the wet cloth against the gash before looking him dead in the eyes. “From more than just these physical wounds.”

Startled at her candor, Steve whipped his head up. Her eyes held his gaze steadily and he saw a wisdom well beyond her years reflected back at him. She saw him more clearly than anyone had in a long time and he found he couldn’t repeat ‘I’m fine’ back at her. Not now. There was no judgement in her gaze though. They displayed a calmness, a sense of understanding that Steve hadn’t been fine in a long time and he didn’t know how to respond to it. He broke their gaze and looked down at his lap.

She silently returned to his gash, stitching it close before wrapping it in a clean bandage. She repeated the process with each wound. Some of the smaller cuts were already healed and the bruises darkening against his pale skin. Those would head the fastest. Steve stayed silent, mulling over her words. Occasionally, his eyes drifted to the far side of the hangar where a tarp hid Tony from view. Shuri was cleaning the deep gash in his right thigh from Thanos’s sword when she spoke again, “If things were back to normal, I would have insisted that we bring you back to Wakanda. I could have had these and your ribs taken care of within minutes.”

It was an out from the uncomfortable revelation and the following silence and Steve took it gratefully. “Is Wakanda okay? Okoye and M’Baku had it running fairly smoothly last I knew.”

“Yes, but likely, neither were expecting their thought dead king, his sister, the Queen Mother, half the citizens of Wakanda and your Avengers to suddenly appear out of nowhere,” she smirked. “The look at on M’Baku’s face when I walked into the throne room…I’ll cherish that for a long, long time.”

She smiled cheekily at Steve and he couldn’t help the chuckle that came forward. Between the calmness she exuded and the youthful cheekiness that sprang up, he fully understood why T’Challa and Bucky adored her so much. Hell, he hadn’t met anyone yet who met the princess that didn’t like her. Even Everett Ross had been saddened to learn she had disappeared with the snap. It had been because of her and T’Challa that he had helped the Avengers pardon their friends. He had mentioned being commanded by her in an effort to save Wakanda not long after Leipzig and wasn’t that a story Steve still wanted to get.

The laugh died fairly quickly when the movement pulled at his ribs. She frowned and finished bandaging the gash on his thigh. He winced when he felt the slight pressure on the stitches she had put it. Her hands then moved to his right side and lightly pressed on the area around his ribs. 

“In answer to your question,” she began as she lightly touched his side. “Wakanda is okay as far as I know. My mother is commanding recovery efforts and the people respect their Queen Mother. I believe it is much like it is here though. A lot of chaos of people suddenly returning and the survivors trying to figure out how this had happened, finding their loved ones, and sorting out housing and food. Likely your own government will be as messy as well.”

Steve nodded. He had thought about that, but was too wrapped in the battle aftermath to even think about the government and the people in charge as well. He should probably contact Ross soon and explain everything. The former CIA director had been one of the few government workers remaining after the snap and had worked closely with the remaining Avengers. Steve never could figure out his willingness to help him and the others so fast. The only thing Ross had ever told him was that events after Germany had opened his eyes. At the time, Steve was still too locked in his grief and determination to exonerate his friends to really question it.

Pain shot through his chest when Shuri pressed too hard on his lower right side. She tutted and said softly, “You have at least two broken ribs on this side and at least one cracked rib. There’s another broken rib and three cracked on your left.” She paused and shook her head. “I know you are a supersoldier, Captain, but honestly, how are you even still standing?”

He blinked at her. “I have to make sure everyone’s taken care of. Honestly, I barely even feel it anymore. It’ll heal.”

Shuri let out a long line of Xhosa, causing Steve to quirk an eyebrow. Bucky had picked up Xhosa during his recovery and he remembered that some of those words were curse words from hearing Bucky during visits to Wakanda. It made him smile to hear the feisty princess say them the way Bucky did. She was likely where he had even learned them in the first place.

“Shuri!” T’Challa scolded her, coming up behind them. “That is no way to speak to the Captain.”

The princess rolled her eyes and Steve saw that the scolding held no heat in it. T’Challa was looking at his sister fondly. “You’ve heard White Wolf. I highly doubt it’s the first time Captain Rogers has heard it.” She side-eyed him. “Or said it himself.”

“Besides, _the Captain_ ,” she continued, emphasizing his title, “has been walking around here like he’s invincible. Four cracked ribs, three broken, and other gashes and wounds that are still bleeding even hours after the battle is over. As far as I’m concerned, a good tongue-lashing is deserved.”

Steve found himself cowering slightly or at least blushing. Shuri was downright scary when she felt she was right and for some reason, his health mattered to her. Still, the young genius looked at him and winked to show she wasn’t really angry, just concerned and he appreciated her attempts to keep the mood light. It kept his mind focused in the present instead of what and who they had lost. 

Shuri checked over the rest of his torso and started to wrap his ribs to secure them while Steve’s attention was drawn to her brother.

“Your friends have come back for their mission,” the Wakandan king said. “I believe they have found a temporary solution to our housing issues.”

Steve nodded. “Wanda said she had an idea. What is it? Is it sustainable?”

T’Challa smiled. “It will suffice for a few days. I’m sure that tomorrow will be spent getting people home, but for tonight, this was certainly the best solution.”

Shuri finished taping the bandages in place and handed Steve back his undershirt though she frowned at the gash in the side and the dried blood. Unfortunately, they didn’t have anything else. T’Challa stepped in to help him get the shirt on without Steve having to raise his arms, though Steve still had to bite back a hiss as his ribs shot pain around his torso. He thanked Shuri and followed T’Challa out of the hangar. As his eyes adjusted, his stopped dead in his tracks.

Wanda, Bucky, and Sam had recruited several of the Dora Milaje and N’Jabari to set up as many tents as they could for the uninjured warriors, Asgardians, and wizards around the already started campfires. Most of the tents looked like they would easily fit two adults and people were teaming up and setting up more campfires in the middle of clusters of tents. The scene sharply reminded Steve again of nights on the frontlines and in the camps during World War II and he felt an unexpected well of emotion at the camaraderie he was seeing again, the swell of voices and laughter that echoed around him.

“Steve?”

The Captain blinked and looked at Sam as he approached with Bucky and Wanda behind him. The Scarlet Witch carried a tote bag with her. “This was a great idea, Wanda.”

She shrugged. “It’s really the only thing I could think of. It’ll work for a few days at least. We do have a problem, however. There aren’t enough tents for all of us.”

“Some of the others have already found shelter elsewhere,” Sam stated. “The raccoon, tree, and that bunch are bunking in their spaceship. Lang and his girl have found an overhang they’re sharing with a few of the Dora. Thor and Valkyrie are with the other Asgardians.”

“How many do we still need to find shelter for?”

“The five of us, Barton. Shuri,” Bucky said. “Um, Rhodes, Ms. Potts, the kid. Banner. The wizard.”

“Shuri will stay with the wounded,” T’Challa opined. “As I’m sure will Strange and Banner. I will remain near her for my own peace of mind.”

“I’m taking Pepper and the kid back to Tony’s cabin,” Rhodes said from behind them. His eyes were red and he looked far older than Steve had ever seen him. “She wants to get back to Morgan.”

“How are they doing?” Steve asked softly. “How are you doing?”

“About as well as can be expected right now,” the colonel sighed. “We’ll be back tomorrow. You’ll…?”

“We’ll watch over him. Don’t worry,” Steve reassured him, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder in comfort.

“Thank you.” Rhodes rubbed a tired hand over his face. “Oh, before I go. One of the smaller houses that had been built for the employees is still standing near the woods on the other side of the hanger. It won’t fit many but it should fit you guys at least.”

Steve frowned. He didn’t like the idea of staying someplace comfortable while the Dora Milaje and others slept out here but Sam broke in before he could protest.

“Thanks, man.” He reached out a hand for Rhodes to shake. “I’ll make sure we put it to use.”

Rhodes nodded and went back to where Pepper and Peter stood leaning against each other with Strange standing nearby. The wizard waved his hands and a portal appeared, showing Tony’s cabin just beyond. The trio stepped through and then were gone.

“So that just leaves us then,” Sam said. “And don’t even try any of that ‘I should stay with the troops’ shit. You know as well as anybody that the leader needs just as much rest as his soldiers in order to effectively lead.”

Steve opened his mouth to argue but facing Sam, Wanda, and Bucky collectively glaring at him, he knew it was pointless to even argue. Besides, he was tired. Bone-deep tired. So, he conceded. “We need to find Barton and let him know.”

“I saw him near Lang, handing out the last of the blankets,” Sam offered. “I’ll find him and let him know. You three, go, get cleaned up, and get settled. Make sure you eat something as well. We’ll be along shortly.”

They agreed and separated, with the three Avengers nearly leaning against each other as they walked. None of them said anything. They really didn’t need to. They found the house easily and Steve broke the lock to get in. It was a standard house Tony had had built for the employees of the Avengers compound but everything was new and untouched. Obviously, this had been one that no one had been able to move into yet before the snap. Bucky entered first and reached for a lamp in the living room. It flicked on easily and they sighed in relief.

“At least, we know the electricity works,” the former assassin said. “I’m assuming that means water works as well.”

“God, I hope so,” Steve muttered. “I need a shower.”

There were two corresponding agreements from his friends and they went about exploring the house. It had a small bedroom on the first floor across the hall from the kitchen in addition to the living room and a small full bathroom under the stairs. On the second floor, were three more bedrooms and two bathrooms. There was plenty of room but someone would have to sleep on the sofa. Downstairs in the kitchen, Steve was about to volunteer to sleep on the couch when the door slammed.

“Oh, thank God,” Clint moaned, collapsing on the sofa. His eyes closed immediately as he flung an arm across his face.

Sam snorted. “Dude, are you already going to sleep? Not even gonna eat or shower?”

“Nope. I’m good right here. Not moving for nothing.” He cracked an eye open. “Though, if someone could toss me a sandwich, that would be great.”

Wanda dug through the bag given to her by Valkyrie and fished out a sandwich and floated it over to the man. Over the back of the couch, the group saw a hand appear with the thumbs up sign.

“Guess that solves that problem,” Bucky commented softly.

The quartet ate in silence in the kitchen, all lost in their own thoughts. Steve had no doubt that Bucky, Sam, and Wanda all had questions, but they blessedly seemed to be leaving them for tomorrow. He was so tired now, he didn’t think he could even think straight anymore. 

Food demolished, they split. Clint had already passed out, half-eaten sandwich on his chest. Sam volunteered to take the downstairs bedroom while Bucky opted for the one at the end of the hall upstairs. It had a lot of windows being the corner room, so Steve wasn’t surprised. Some habits die hard. Steve offered the master bedroom and private bath to Wanda and wouldn’t take no for an answer this time. He would take the first bedroom by the stairs and share one of the bathrooms with Bucky who told him in no uncertain terms to shower first.

Thankfully, Tony, or more likely Pepper, had stocked the bathroom with welcome home toiletries, so after taking protective measures with his bandages, Steve finally, finally stepped underneath the warm shower. He stood under it for a while and let the water beat onto his sore muscles. His mind was blissfully blank while his body soaked up the comfort of the pounding water. It was taking all his concentration just to remember what to do during his shower. After he had bathed and washed the blood out his hair, he stepped out to see a t-shirt, boxers, and sweatpants sitting by the sink. He didn’t even want to know who brought it in without him knowing or even where they got it, but he was grateful. He dressed in the soft clothes, leaving his torn and bloody uniform on the floor. He really didn’t ever want to see it again if he was honest. He brushed his teeth and washed his face before finally slipping into the bedroom he was staying in.

Steve could hear the others going about their business. Clint’s snores drifted through the floor while the sounds of Sam in the downstairs bathroom could be heard. Wanda was shifting on the bed and it sounded like she was quietly crying into her pillow. Steve knew she needed to grieve in private and though he wanted to comfort her, left her alone. He could hear Bucky starting the shower again in their bathroom. Normal sounds. Everyday sounds of a family. It was heaven to Steve. The familiarity of his family settling in for the night, three of them he had been so sure he had failed and would never see again. But here they were. Everyone safe and sound.

Except Tony and Natasha.

Billions of people safe and alive.

And two people not. One who would never watch his daughter grow up. And one who would never know how much she meant to all of them, who had fought for them for so long.

Grief was a funny thing for Steve. When his mom died, it was months before he finally broke down. One day, he had been sketching on their well-worn couch while Bucky had stretched out on the floor of their shared apartment reading on a lazy Sunday and the tears just randomly started and didn’t stop for hours. Bucky had nearly torn his hair out trying to figure out what to do and how to help. When Bucky had fallen from the train, it had taken all of one day for Steve to find himself in that bombed out bar, trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol that would never really affect him. Peggy’s death had been so expected that while he had mourned, he had been able to do it at the funeral with everybody else. 

Five years ago, when everybody had been snapped…well, Steve had just shut down. Shock, exhaustion, grief. They had all rolled together to form a knot in his chest and it had been an hour before Natasha had been able to get him off the ground in Wakanda. After the failed attempt with Danvers to get Thanos to reverse it, Steve had just kept pushing his grief for Sam, Bucky, Wanda, T’Challa, and so many others down. He had refused to deal with it. Hadn’t wanted to deal with it or accept defeat. He just kept moving forward, plastering fake smiles and trying to find the good things like the whales in the Hudson.

Now though, he could feel it coming. Losing Natasha, who had been there every step of the way since he came out of the ice. Losing Tony, who he had argued with, challenged, fought beside, and finally been able to come to a kind of truce. They had been through so much together. Aliens. Loki. Ultron. Being on opposite sides during the battle for Bucky and the Accords. Those damned, fucking Accords. The Snap. Losing so many of their friends. Tony’s recovery and anger after being rescued from space. His and Pepper’s wedding. Morgan’s birth. Natasha helping the orphans in D.C. after the Snap had eliminated so many parents. Natasha running the compound. Searching for Clint. Her smile right before they had gone into the quantum realm. _See you in a minute._

It hit him hard and fast. 

Tony and Natasha were gone and there would be no snap to get them back. 

And Steve, standing alone in the middle that little standard room in an unoccupied employee house on what was left of the Avengers compound, collapsed to his knees, slapped a hand over his mouth and gripped the edge of the bed with the other.

Then, for the first time in years, he burst in tears and grieved for his lost friends.


	2. It's a Different World than Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next few days after the final battle and the remaining team is trying to pick up the pieces and move forward, but first they have to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> Sorry this took so long, it's been a long, busy summer. The good news is that with all the shit the directors and writers have said about Steve, Bucky, and his ending as only inspired me to give my favorite character the ending to Endgame he deserves.
> 
> So first things first, I've changed the title from Every Step Forward to I'm Still Standing.
> 
> I really like this title now and it won't change again. The meaning behind it, I'll explain at the end of the story.
> 
> Also, I want to think all the readers that have left comments! I may not respond to each one but trust me, they are all read and they all make me smile!
> 
> So enjoy!!
> 
> And please leave feedback or kudos if you like it.

Steve groaned and pulled the pillow over his head. Damn birds were outside singing and they had no right to, not when everything was shit. He certainly didn’t want to get up and face the day. He already could tell it was going to be a bad one. His head was pounding, his body ached, and his eyes felt hot and swollen which means he probably fell asleep crying. Again. 

It happened far more often than he would ever admit to anyone over the last five years. It had slowly started to get better the past year or so, but every couple of weeks, the grief of not having his friends around him anymore still overwhelmed him to the point he just couldn’t push it down and pretend it didn’t exist anymore. When that happened, he locked himself away from what remained of the world, didn’t answer his phone, and let himself spiral in ways he never had before. The aftermath of those nights usually ended up with him seeking refuge in his bed for at least the next day. If it was really bad, he didn’t move for several days. It was part of the reason why he refused to stay at the compound with Natasha. He didn’t want her or anyone else to see how he was really dealing with the Snap, even five years later and despite telling everyone else they needed to move on and keep living. So, he did something that he had never done in his entire life, he hid.

Pressing his face into the mattress with the pillow still over his head, Steve tried to return to his dream rather than make any attempt to get up. It had been a mostly good dream. They had defeated Thanos, got everyone back. He had actually been able to hug Bucky and Sam and Wanda again. Previously, whenever he had similar dreams, it never reached that far. What was odd about this one was that the dream had been bittersweet as well instead of the true happy ending he really longed for. Tony and Natasha had died in this one, sacrificing themselves to bring people back. Normally, his dreams were either really good or just flat out horrifying. He either got everyone back or lost everyone. There was never an in-between. He wanted to return to that dream where almost everyone he loved was back and the nightmare had finally ended.

Now, if only the damn birds would shut up. They hadn’t been this noisy in…

Steve bolted straight up. He hadn’t heard birds singing in the morning in years.

Not since the Snap.

He looked around, eyes wide. Sunlight was streaming in from a single window on his left. That wasn’t right. He had windows on two walls of his bedroom thanks to having the corner apartment. 

This wasn’t his apartment. He looked down. He wasn’t wearing his own clothes. His leg and side ached and when he touched his side, he could feel the thick bandages wrapped around his torso. He couldn’t even remember actually getting into bed, though that was not an uncommon occurrence anymore. He had more than once found himself waking up on the floor of his apartment after a crying fit. His still sleep-addled brain struggled to connect the dots but he couldn’t remember the night before. Where the hell was he? 

As he became more aware, his enhanced hearing picked up several different voices. Achingly familiar voices and sounds.

Sam’s laugh.

Wanda’s murmuring.

Bucky’s soft-spoken words.

Clint’s sarcasm.

It couldn’t be. 

It had been a dream.

Hadn’t it? 

It couldn’t have actually happened. It was too bizarre of a dream.

Hell, it had had time travel in it, for God’s sake. 

Slowly, Steve pushed back the blankets and followed the voices down the stairs. He cautiously peeked into the kitchen and promptly froze in the doorway. 

Clint was pouring himself a cup of coffee before bringing it over to the island in the middle of the kitchen where Wanda sat, cutting into an omelet. Bucky was leaning against the other end of the island, sipping from his own steaming cup. Sam had his back to them at the stove tending to whatever was sizzling. Warm, wonderful food smells drifted into the hallway to him.

“It’s good, Sam,” Wanda was saying. “Where did you learn to cook?”

“Glad you approved. Any cooking skills are a direct result of a very determined mama to make sure her boy could take care of himself. Yep, don’t have to rely on anybody but me, myself, and I.”

“Then why did I have to save your ass from the goat when he trapped you in that tree last time you came to Wakanda?” Bucky commented innocently before taking a sip from his cup, eyes twinkling through the steam.

Sam whirled around, eyes wide, and pointed his spatula at the former Winter Soldier. “Hey, we agreed, man. We were never to speak of that incident _ever_ again. Ever! And besides, that goat of yours is evil. It hates me and only seems to go after me. I bet you trained it to specifically attack me.”

Bucky only smiled mischievously while Clint snorted and Wanda hid her grin behind a bite of what looked like eggs. For a second while he smirked at Sam, Bucky looked young again, like he had before the war just with longer hair. An image of him teasing Dum Dum Dugan flashed before his eyes. Steve knew he had to be dreaming. He had to be. This couldn’t be real.

And then, Sam eyes flicked toward his hovering presence.

“Hey, look who’s finally awake.”

The other three sitting around the island all turned to look at him with various welcome expressions on their faces. Steve could only stare speechless as looks of concern overcame the smiles.

“Steve, you alright?” Bucky asked, standing to move closer to the blonde.

Steve blinked rapidly for several seconds as his mind finally finished waking completely up and caught up to yesterday’s events. He suddenly reached out to grab Bucky for a tight hug. The former assassin let out a soft huff of laughter and patted his back. After a minute, Steve allowed him to step back and Bucky placed his hand on his shoulder, still looking concerned. 

“Yeah, Buck,” he responded. “I’m okay. Just woke up badly and couldn’t remember what had happened for a second there. I thought it had all been a dream.”

“Well, you need a good breakfast, Cap. Wake you up a little bit,” Sam said, placing a full plate of eggs, bacon, and other food on the island and gestured to him. “Sit. Eat.”

Steve let Bucky guide him to his seat, limping slightly from his hurting leg. The former assassin moved over to stand on Sam’s side of the island. Steve took a bite of egg and could resist sighing in bliss. It had been a long time since he had had a good meal. Usually, he just grabbed whatever was available, often barely enough to keep going. No one had had the nerve to call him out on it. Hell, Natasha lived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. “Where did you even get the food?”

“T’Challa brought the food over earlier this morning,” Sam said over his shoulder. “Said he figured we needed it with, you know, the compound being decimated.”

It was silent in the kitchen for a few minutes as Sam cooked, Wanda and Steve ate, and Bucky poured Steve a cup of coffee. It had a strangely domestic vibe that Steve hadn’t realize how much he had missed as he struggled to shake off the remains of the headache from earlier that morning. The gash on his arm was also still throbbing but was tolerable for now as long as he kept still.

He had eaten half the plate when he finally looked up and asked, “What’s it like outside? How are the others?”

Sam turned and placed a plate of food in front of Bucky. “Clint and I went out earlier to talk with T’Challa when he came by to see what we could do. Strange and the other wizards are transferring the wounded and the remaining Dora Milaje to Wakanda. They want to get back there as soon as possible and reunite everyone and take complete stock of the country although the Cat King said their Queen Mother seems to have settled the panic and shock of half their population suddenly returning well enough for now.”

Steve nodded. He wasn’t surprised really. Okoye and M’Baku had kept Wakanda running very smoothly in contrast of the chaos of the rest of the world during the past five years. He wasn’t surprised to learn that Wakanda was likely a lot better off than most of the world at the moment. The sheer number of resources that was going to be needed to quickly accommodate so many people would likely stretch the world’s resources for a while.

“Rhodey came back this morning,” Clint spoke up softly. “Said Pepper was taking the kid to get reunited with his aunt and then they were coming to get Tony and take him…somewhere to get him ready to lay to rest.” He paused and looked into his coffee for a second. “He wasn’t real specific in the details right now but he looked tired. My guess is he and Pepper stayed up all night, figuring that out.”

The little group fell silent for a moment, the only sounds being the tinkling of the silverware against the plates as they ate. They all had had a complicated relationship with Tony and his death was hitting each of them hard. Sam was the one that finally broke the silence.

“The wizard, Strange, also mentioned getting his people back to where they belong and him needing to get back to the _Inner Sanctum_. I think that’s what he said anyway.” He turned the stove off before placing another plate in front of Clint while balancing his own. He stood next to Bucky and sighed. “Soon, it’ll be just us and I’m sure certain people will come looking for us before too long.”

Steve tilted his head as he processed that thought. Wanda, Bucky, and Sam all needed places to stay. Bruce would head off to his lab Tony and he had built a few years ago in Massachusetts. Clint had his family. Honestly, Steve was surprised he wasn’t commandeering the quinjet already to get to them. Pepper and Morgan had their cabin. Rhodes would undoubtedly head to D.C. to help with the cleanup. Thor would go back to New Asgard and his people. Most of his family was back, yet they would be leaving again soon. He had everyone back, but would still be alone. It was an _odd_ feeling.

But he was really, _really_ tired of being alone.

“We need to find a place to stay,” Sam was saying. “Somewhere to lay low until we can get out of the country again.”

“Wait!” Steve half-shouted suddenly, startling all four of his friends. He blushed and lowered his voice. “You don’t have to. None of you have to run anymore.”

They looked bemusedly at each other. “What do you mean, Cap? Last time I checked. We were all wanted criminals,” Wanda asked cautiously. She couldn’t help to feel the sudden excitement from the Captain and it was honestly a little unnerving.

“You’re not anymore,” Steve informed them. “We got you pardoned. _All of you_.” He directed the last comment specifically to Bucky. 

Bucky shifted between his feet and set down his fork. “Steve, I was an assassin for one of the U.S.’s foremost enemies for 70 years. I highly doubt they’re just going to pardon me.”

Steve smiled and shook his head. “But they did. I have the official papers back at my apartment, Buck. You have been granted a full presidential pardon, been officially declared a POW, and have a hell of a lot of Army back pay which is in my name because…anyway. You can come home.”

He turned to Wanda. “You’ve been granted honorary citizenship and protection for your role in Wakanda. Sam, you were also given a full pardon and backpay for your time as an Avenger. I believe it was put it a trust for your family in your mom’s name. Which reminds me, you need to call her. I refuse to get on her bad side again. Clint, you already know about yours.”

It was so silent in the kitchen for several minutes you could have heard a pin drop.

“I don’t understand,” Wanda whispered. “Why would they do that? We were criminals and dead. They had no reason to do that.”

Steve smiled a smile that Bucky remembered well. It was vicious and self-satisfactory. Few knew or remembered the angry little Steve from the ‘30s but Bucky remembered that Steve very well and knew that he could be a vindictive little bastard when he wanted. It helped that Steve had always been smarter than anybody had ever given him credit for. 

“The Avengers weren’t the only ones hit hard in the Snap,” he started. “The government was hit pretty hard as well and a certain Ross went with it. They got desperate enough to find us and beg for our help, to help keep people calm, keep the peace. Everett Ross was the one who helped us fight to get everyone pardoned in exchange for that help.” He looked at Bucky and Sam. “You remember him? He was the one that was in charge in Germany. Anyway, he negotiated full pardons for all the Avengers in exchange for help in keeping order. Even for everyone posthumous.”

He went silent for a moment, remembering the overwhelming grief at losing everyone during those dark few, first months while still trying to maintain the Captain America persona. “It was the least we could do for you. It was the only thing I could do for all of you after everything.”

Nobody moved for a full minute before Wanda got up from her chair and hugged Steve tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered.

Steve hugged her back tightly, relishing feeling her again. He loved her like a little sister and had missed her presence as much as Bucky and Sam.

When she stepped back, they turned to the two men standing side by side. Bucky was looking down at his plate contemplatively. Sam looked like he was ready to just start throwing himself a parade.

“No more crappy hotels or sleeping on the quinjet?” he asked.

Steve smiled. “No more crappy hotels or sleeping on the quintet.”

“Yes!” Sam pumped his fists in the air. “Permanent, comfy bed here I come. No, even better. A shower with great water pressure. Wait, food! Decent human sustaining food! Oh, let me call my mama. She’ll cook y’all up a meal so magnificent none of you will ever be hungry again. It’s going to be glorious!”

His excitement was infectious and Wanda couldn’t help laughing as Sam slid an arm through hers and tugged her away from Steve. He stopped and linked his arm with Clint who tried to shove one last forkful of food in his mouth before Sam was tugging him through the kitchen door talking excitedly about bringing his family to meet Darlene Wilson and letting her spoil the Barton kids while stuffing skinny Wanda full. His boisterous voice carried through the house and out the front door.

Steve shook his head and laughed softly before bending back over his plate as the door shut behind the trio. He had missed Sam’s exuberance so much it had hurt at times. It was amazing to have him back. It was amazing to have them all back. He found himself kind of hungry for the first time in a long time.

The blond scooped up another forkful of eggs before noticing the presence still in the room, studying him thoughtfully. 

“Something wrong, Buck?” he asked cautiously.

His oldest friend only stared at him silently. Finally, he asked softly, “What did you promise them, Steve?”

Steve was confused. “Promise them? What are you talking about, Buck?”

“To get us all pardoned,” Bucky replied. He took a sip of his coffee. “The U.S. government never does anything like that without expecting something in return. Especially to pardon someone like me. Pretty sure they were pretending I wasn’t even an American citizen last time I checked. So, what did you promise them in return to pardon me and Wanda and Wilson?”

Steve snorted. Bucky had always been cynical when it came to authority figures. Even when they were kids, he'd never really trusted them. Honestly, Steve had always thought that Bucky and Tony would have been great friends under different circumstances. Definitely better than Steve and Tony had been. His smile dropped when he realized they would never get the chance to even try.

He sighed and tried to banish the dark thoughts that were threatening again. Too much. Too soon. “Nothing, Buck. I promise. Nat, Rhodes, and myself just assisted the government in keeping the peace after the Snap, after everyone…that’s all. No back deals, no signing myself up for life, or anything like that. We helped keep people sort of calm and Ross got you pardons. Especially after we went public with the roles you, Wanda, and Sam played in fighting Thanos in Wakanda. That was Nat’s idea, by the way. Turned public opinion in your favor. That helped.”

Bucky eyes him for several minutes, looking for the lie, the loophole, but finally he nodded, satisfied. “I still can’t believe they just did that, but thank you. Didn’t think I would ever be allowed back here again.”

“You can come home, Buck. We all can. That is if you want. I know you were happy in Wakanda.” Steve looked down at his plate, suddenly not really hungry anymore. The idea of his friends leaving again was not something he was ready to think about yet.

There was silence before Bucky asked softly, “Steve, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said automatically. He looked up flinched at Bucky’s unimpressed expression.

“That’s nice. Now try the truth if you don’t mind.”

Steve glared at his best friend. He pushed his plate away and stood. "It is the truth. I'm fine, Bucky. Really." With a sigh, he softened his expression. He just got his friends back. He really didn't want to fight with anyone. "I'm sorry, Buck. It's just been a really exhausting few days. Hell, few years. I'm not the one you should be worrying about. I should be the one asking you if you're alright."

Bucky studied him silently for a moment, reading him the way he had been able to since they were five. Finally, without revealing anything he had found in Steve's expression, he responded, "I'm here, Steve. Alive and about as okay as I was before the whole damn thing started. Still confused as shit, but alive."

Steve couldn't help but smile. "I'm glad, Buck. I really am."

Bucky looked like he was about to say something, but was interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps on the front porch and the door opening again.

"Hey, you two old-timers coming?" Sam asked, poking his head in the kitchen. "The Cat King is back and he wants to start coordinating transporting the injured and remaining warriors home. He also wants to talk with you, Steve, and you, Barnes."

Steve furrowed his brow worriedly. "Did he say what it was about? There's not more danger coming is there?”

Sam shook his head. "Chill, Captain Take-Everything-On. I think he just wanted to make sure we're all okay and if us fugitives needed a quick escape strategy."

Steve relaxed. "I should probably go explain how whatever adventure he had with Everett Ross convinced him to reach out to us and help us get your pardons. I still want that story."

Steve moved to follow Sam back out the front door before he stopped and turned to look at Bucky who was still leaning against the island, watching Steve with an unreadable look in his eye. "Buck, you coming?"

The former assassin shook his head as if shaking a disturbing thought out of his head and nodded. "Right behind you, Rogers. Like always."

The lifelong friends smiled at each other as Bucky clapped Steve on the back and they followed Sam outside.

 

******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

The next few days were a whirlwind of organizing, beginning cleanup, finding resources, and unexpected surprises. Honestly, Steve was never so happy to be so completely busy that he barely had time to breathe, let alone think about the two people that were no longer there and the sudden turnabout from the horror of the last five years. 

The first unexpected shock happened while they were helping T'Challa transport the remaining injured and remaining Dora Milaje through portals opened by wizards Strange had sent over that first day. 

Everett Ross flew into the compound on a helicopter. But it was his reactions that confused and surprised the people gathered.

The former CIA director had gaped in shock at seeing the Wakandan king and the fugitives he thought had died five years before laughing almost hysterically and asking how they had managed it.

It had been up to Steve and Bruce to explain the general idea of what they had done and it had taken two or three tellings for Ross to be able to process and understand it.

"I should have known something was going on when I was working in my office, just minding my own business, and all of a sudden, Thaddeus Ross appeared out of nowhere right behind me," Ross snorted. "Wasn't that a fun little heart attack?"

Ross explained the government was a little disarrayed with the sudden reappearance of the old officials. The shock of the reappearances had everyone struggling to figure out what had happened. The returned were surprised to learn they were no longer in charge and the ones that hadn’t been dusted were suddenly realizing that their loved ones had returned. It was chaos, but the realization of what had happened and worried about their families had everyone scrambling, leaving those in charge unchallenged for now. Power grabs were inevitable in the coming weeks but at that time, they had enough to help the country keep running. 

The biggest surprise, however, had been when Ross spotted Bucky and Sam standing not far behind Steve. He marched right up to Bucky and extended his hand.

"We owe you a huge apology. _I_ owe you a huge apology," Ross started. "First, what happened to you during the war and what the Soviets and then Hydra did to you is beyond torture and sickening. There were rumors of your existence for decades and that you were an American. A ghost story I remember from the Academy. Maybe if we had followed up on rumors of your existence, we could have spared you and so many others countless pain. Then, the whole incident in Romania and Berlin. You were innocent of the Vienna bombing and yet we were ready to kill you on sight. Thankfully, you had Captain Rogers looking for you as well and was able to prevent us from making an unjust mistake, but we still allowed a fake doctor to come in and reactivate your training. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that alone caused. You have my sincere and utmost apology, Sergeant Barnes. You were an innocent man who had circumstances and events take him to places no man should ever have to go and forced to do things no man should ever have to do."

Bucky stared at him in shock. He had almost been about to disappear at Ross's appearance despite the reassurances of Steve and had only stayed put thanks to Wilson basically holding him in place. Now, he didn’t think he could move even Steve barreled into him. After a stunned moment, he nodded and slowly reached out his hand to shake Ross's. "I, uh, thank you. You only did what you could with the information you had. I was still an assassin for Hydra for several decades. I wouldn't have done any less had it been me in your shoes. I still did it."

Steve opened his mouth to protest, but Ross beat him to it. "Regardless, you were a prisoner of war and are an American citizen. You had rights and we ignored them. A mistake I'm happy to say we can correct. I have no doubt that Rogers told you about your pardon.” When Bucky nodded mutely, he continued, “Excellent. I wanted to reassure you, and you Wilson as well, that the pardons are official and will not and cannot be revoked by anybody in the government no matter who ends up staying. No new charges, nothing. You’re free men. You have my word.”

Both men were speechless. Steve realized that his friends had been probably not unreasonably worried that with the reappearance of Thaddeus Ross that their newly granted forgiveness might have been revoked. It took Sam several minutes to finally speak. “Thank you, Agent Ross. Truly.”

Bucky could only nod again in agreement, completely thrown by the entire conversation. Sam clasped him on the shoulder happily and Ross turned to talk with T’Challa. Bucky didn’t say a whole lot for the rest of the day.

After T’Challa had promised that if they needed him to just let them know and the Wakandans returned home and the wizards disappeared through their portals again, the remaining Avengers began to piece together their next moves. Clint had taken the quinjet early in the afternoon to reunite for his family. Rhodes had appeared late that afternoon to let them know Pepper and Morgan were doing as well as could be expected and they were discussing the best way to honor Tony. He promised to keep them informed.

The second surprise was when Bruce appeared that morning returned to normal out of the Hulk, though he didn’t offer any explanation for how or when it had happened. He ended up staying with Steve, Bucky, Sam, and Wanda in the house on the compound while Thor and Valkyrie decided to remain with the Asgardians near the half-destroyed hangar. That night, as exhausted as they all were, none of them could sleep which led them to sitting around the island, quietly chatting and drinking coffee. 

In the end, it had been Bruce that brought up doing something for Natasha as well.

“She saved our lives,” Steve said, softly. “She was a hero. She deserved to be remembered as one.”

There wasn’t a single disagreement around the island and they spent hours thinking of things they could do to honor their friend. They didn’t make a decision that night because the conversation ended up with them exchanging stories of Natasha and eventually Tony. At one point, Steve went quiet and just looked around the table, feeling the love and companionship he had missed so damn much. He felt contentment but something still weighed on him. He didn’t understand it. He should be happy. He should be thrilled, but something was off. 

He was smiling at Sam’s animated telling of a mission in Spain in which Sam and Natasha pretended to be lovers while they were on the run that had everyone rolling when he glanced at Bucky and found his best friend carefully assessing him. He waited for Bucky to call him out but the soldier remained silent, only giving him a wan smile and a nod of the head. They didn't really get a chance to talk closely for the next few days.

Pepper arrived three days after Thanos's defeat. She looked tired, pale, and had red eyes, but processed a calmness that Steve found himself envying. The moments to himself had fluctuated between grief, elation, confusion, nightmares, and exhaustion.

Pepper met with Steve and Bruce to inform them that she had decided to bury Tony on a small hill not far from their cabin where he, Pepper, and Morgan had spent so many happy days the last five years. It had been one of their favorite places to go and she thought it was fitting. She and Rhodes had decided to then have a private memorial service with just them and the Avengers. It was only right.

Wanda and Bucky were the ones that finally came up with a lovely way to memorialize Natasha not long after Steve’s conversation with Pepper. The Russian traditions for funerals were fairly standard, but without a body, they really couldn’t do a traditional burial. Instead, Wanda suggested holding a morning service at sunrise with Natasha’s uniform, candles, and flowers. Each of them would then choose a flower and kiss it in farewell to their friend before laying it on her uniform. Then, they would lay a paper crown between her picture and uniform. Sam offered to make a small wooden box with the Black Widow’s insignia on it to bury the stuff in lieu of her body. It was decided that the box would be buried and a headstone placed to mark the spot on the compound’s grounds as Natasha had been the one to keep things together and the Avengers going during the last five years. A small tribute to the woman who had tried so hard to clear the red in her ledger, who became their leader when they needed one the most.

Wanda suggested after the sunrise ceremony having a Russian funeral breakfast in her honor with traditional funeral pancakes called Blini among other things. It was perfect and they decided to do it two days before Tony’s memorial so both would have their days. She and Sam were already working out how the best way to make the meal with the limited sources they had. Steve had a sneaking suspicion when he saw them huddled around a phone later that day that Sam’s mother would also be contributing on the baking.

Darlene Wilson flew in the day before with Clint and his family to be reunited with her son and help prepare the funeral feast. As predicted, she took an immediate liking to Wanda and the two had banned everyone but Sam and Laura from the kitchen. Clint's children were set with the task of creating the paper crown for their Aunty Nat. They decorated it with drawings and colorings that Steve knew Nat would have loved. Bucky had disappeared for the day before the memorial, freaking Steve out who had so far managed to keep his friends close to him at all times, and had reappeared with Steve's car filled with flowers of all colors including white Russian chamomiles. Steve didn't even want to know where he found the flowers, but they had all been thrilled at his haul.

Steve found himself laying in bed wide awake the night before Natasha's memorial. He stared up at the ceiling, memories playing in his head. Meeting Natasha on the helicarrier. Working with her and SHIELD. Finding out about Bucky and bringing down SHIELD. Ultron. The Accords. Knowing the moment he had her utmost trust when she let him and Bucky go. Her finding him and Sam in the run-down apartment in Spain without any explanation how she had done it. Two years of secret missions, working together, watching each other's back. Late night talks. Quiet meals. Brutal training to keep in shape. Then, the past five years. Grieving alone. Meals with just the two of them left. He did laundry at the compound just to check in on her sometimes, each of them in their own spiral of grief and guilt but too much alike and too close to call each other out on it.

God, he was going to miss her so much.

A light knock startled him out of his thoughts. He checked the clock on his phone. 3:27 AM. He still had about an hour before he had to get up and ready for the memorial. Frowning, he leaned up on his elbows and call, "Come in."

The door opened and Bucky's slightly disheveled head appeared. "Couldn't sleep either, huh, punk?" he asked as he slipped silently into the room.

Steve gave him a small, tired smile as he sat up further and leaned back against his pillows, wincing slightly as his nearly healed ribs pulled. They and his leg were really the only injuries that remained and they almost completely healed. "Nah, just thinking."

"About Romanoff?"

Steve nodded. "I'm going to miss her."

Bucky was quiet for a moment. "Me too."

When Steve looked at him surprised, he let out a small huff. "Don't look so surprised, Rogers. You weren't the only one I was talking to when I came out of cryo. Wilson and Romanoff had your back. I had to make sure they didn't fuck up and get you killed." He paused. "Or let your moronic ass get yourself killed."

Steve snorted and rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Buck. Really. You know I'm a supersoldier, right?"

Bucky's mouth quirked into a half-smile and he moved to sit on the bed. "But not invincible, Steve. Don't think I don't know about you jumping out of airplanes without a parachute or throwing motorcycles or any of the other reckless things you do in battle. You never really did have a great sense of self-preservation."

"You know about all that?" Steve's eyes were comically wide and he suddenly looked years younger. Bucky only stared at him and Steve groaned. "Those little snitches."

"Mm-hmm, and don't think we're not having that conversation later, Stevie," Bucky warned with a smirk on his face. Steve groaned and thunked his head back against the backboard of the bed. Bucky chuckled and Steve couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face. After his laughter died down, Bucky looked at his lifelong best friend seriously. "I knew her, you know? Before D.C."

Steve nodded. "She said you shot her to get to a target."

"Well, yeah, there was that. But I think I helped train her," Bucky replied softly.

Steve looked at his best friend, wide-eyed. "What?"

He looked at the bedspread and nodded. "In the 90s. Before they sold me to the American Hydra. They pulled me out of cryo to test a bunch of little girls. I trained the surviving five for a few months. Then, they had to put me back under. I was healing faster than they could wipe me. I remember Romanoff. She was good. Cold. Deadly. But I remember never getting the sinister sense from her. I think she was like me. Shut down in order to survive. Couldn't break if you couldn't feel anything."

The room was deadly quiet. Then, Steve whispered, "She never told me."

Bucky sighed and rubbed a tired hand over his face and the messy bun he had pulled his hair into before draping his arms across his knees pressed into his chest. "I don't know if she remembered me that far back, honestly. Hydra and the Russians were great at making you want to block any memory associated with them. That is if they didn't just take them outright from you."

The implications of what Bucky was telling him stunned Steve. "I...I just...Buck."

"Yeah," Bucky whispered. "Romanoff was lucky though. She was smart. Got out or was helped out by Barton. I don't even know which. Just that she was a much different person than the little girl I remember. She cared, more than I think even you realized. She loved you and Sam. And Clint and Wanda. She would have done anything to protect all of you. I guess she did.”

Steve looked at his hands clasped together. “Did she say anything to you about…anything?”

Bucky gave a small half-smile. “I threatened her the first time I contacted her to have her watch your back. She wasn’t afraid. She just gave a little nod and promised to do whatever it took. It wasn’t until a few months later, I finally asked her why she did what she did in Leipzig.” He paused, thinking silently over his next words. “She said…she said you, Sam, Clint, you were the first ones that saw her. Not the former KBG spy, not some sex symbol seductress, but a human being with thoughts, feelings, failures like everyone else. She loved that. It made someone who was trained to be invisible actually feel like someone saw _her_ , that she was visible.”

Steve swallowed hard. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he thought back through all his interactions with Natasha.

“She looked up to you, Steve,” Bucky whispered. “Her big brother. Those two years after Siberia, it was the happiest I think she’d ever been. It was certainly the happiest I remember ever seeing her, especially as the Leipzig thing faded.”

Steve ran a hand through his hair. “I keep thinking about the first time I met her. She was so calm, collected. Even though it was her own best friend being mind controlled. She played her part, never showed her hands until she got what she wanted out of Loki. I wouldn’t have been that calm had it been you. I wasn’t that calm when I found out it _was_ you.”

“Well, you always were a dramatic little asshole,” Bucky snorted. Steve laughed.

“Yeah. It was actually the whole thing down in D.C. that made Natasha and I closer. Well, you know after she quit trying to set me up.” Bucky arched an eyebrow and Steve shook his head. “I’ll tell you that one later. Nat and I worked well together, but it was after SHIELD fell that I think we truly began to get closer. I think the whole ‘I thought I was working for the good guys’ shook her.”

“Sounds like the two of you had a lot more in common than you realized,” Bucky observed softly.

Steve nodded and ran a hand over his hair. “Yeah. After the Snap, we leaned on each other a lot.” He smiled and looked at Bucky. “Did you know that when we got back from Wakanda after everything, that she set up organizations for orphans of the Snap in the major cities? She hired people to take care of them, keep their education going, kept them clothed and fed. Even checked in on Lang’s kid to make sure she was okay. I think she helped just as many adults as she did those kids.”

"Really?" Bucky asked surprised. 

Steve nodded. "I think she felt she needed to do something more than just helping keep the peace, especially after the government stabilized. I should probably check on them. See if we can’t get those kids reunited with their parents.”

Bucky was silent for a moment. "And what did you do? When things settled?"

Steve shrugged. "Ran a support group." He let out a sardonic laugh when he caught Bucky's arched eyebrow. "Yeah, I wasn't very good, I think. I kept telling everyone they had to move on and then I would go home and…”

He trailed off and stared down at his hands. Bucky let the silence sit before asking softly, “and what, Steve? What did you do despite telling everyone to move on?

Steve sighed deeply and scrubbed a hand through his hair again. He still didn’t answer his friend though.

“What did you do, Stevie? Drink? Work yourself into an exhaustion? Break thousands of punching bags until your hands bled?” He paused and studied his friend. “Cry yourself to sleep in private and hide away from the world so no one would see your vulnerability?”

Steve’s head shot up and his eyes widen. “How…”

Bucky barked out a mirthless laugh. “What part of we’ve known each other our whole lives don’t you remember? Shit, and I thought I had the memory problems. Steve, I know you better than anyone. I was there when your mom died, remember? I do remember more than a few nights of you trying to muffle your sobs into your pillow in a one bedroom apartment. Who do you think got you into bed last night anyway?”

Steve’s eyes furrowed in confusion. “Wait, what?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Dumbass, remember I have enhanced senses too. I got out the shower last night and could hear you sobbing. By the time I got dressed, you had already cried yourself to sleep leaning against the bed. I think you were more tired than you wanted us to believe really, maybe even you knew. And something tells me that wasn’t the first night you slept on the floor like that.” He snorted. “By the way, you’re much heavier than I remember.”

Steve sighed, but didn't deny it. Instead, he whispered, "It's been a hard five years, Buck. I just...couldn't stop seeing you disappear. Then finding out about Sam, Wanda, and T'Challa. I felt like such a hypocrite during those sessions."

Bucky didn't reply at first. Instead, he studied his best friend, the way he had been doing for the last few days. Since that first morning during breakfast, he had noticed something different about Steve, something he had never seen before. It was Steve sitting hunched, quiet, looking for the first time in their entire lives defeated. He had seen Steve at his best and what he thought was his absolute worst, and honestly, this was the lowest he had ever seen the blonde, though he was struggling to figure out why. He moved from his spot on the edge of the bed to sit beside Steve, bumping his shoulder.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Steve looked at him and gave him a half-smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "No, not really." He leaned sideways into Bucky, grateful to feel the familiar warmth of his lifelong best friend beside him once again. "Can we just sit here a while? Until we have to get up for Nat's memorial?"

Bucky frowned thoughtfully, but nodded. "Sure, Stevie. Sure."

They leaned against each other like they used to when they were kids and stared out the window, both lost in thought and neither saying anything for the rest of the night.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple of last minute notes:
> 
> https://www.funeralguide.co.uk/blog/russian-funeral-traditions  
> https://www.frazerconsultants.com/2017/10/cultural-spotlight-russian-funeral-traditions/
> 
> These two links detail the Russian traditions for funerals. I've changed a couple of things to make it more intimate and personal for Natasha.
> 
> I'm really proud of this chapter! I ended up writing a character and a scene in that I never intended to write at all, but it wrote itself and fit so well in the story. I know this chapter feels a little like filler but it's here for a reason and hopefully when the story is finished, you'll understand. 
> 
> I'm trying to work on the next chapter and I hope I can get it up faster than three months.
> 
> You can find me here on [Tumblr](https://dreamdragon48.tumblr.com)


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